Death, Grief, and the Afterlife

A week ago, a close friend who was just a few years older than me passed away. He had an idiopathic lung condition that he struggled with for the last few years and every possible medical attempt failed. Death is a tricky, difficult, but necessary topic to talk about. Anyone’s death raises bigger metaphysical questions, such as: What is death? Why is it so grievous? Is there any hope in death?

What is Death?

Death is related to separation.

Biologically, when a physician declares a person has died, he confirms that there is no breath, heart sounds, or pulse for a minute, no response to a painful stimulus, and the presence of fixed, dilated pupils. Metaphysically, death is a separation of the soul from the body.

As a poet says,

He did not feel the driver's whip,   Nor the burning heat of day; For Death had illumined the Land of Sleep,   And his lifeless body lay A worn-out fetter, that the soul   Had broken and thrown away! - A slave’s dream, Henry W. Longfellow

It is not a question of if it is only a question of when. They say that death and taxes are inevitable, but I am not sure of the latter. Eventually, everyone dies.

The Grievousness of Death

But why is death so horrendous? Why is there this tremendous amount of grief when someone dies compared to many other things that happen to people? There are at least three factors that lead to grief.

One is the relationship. The deeper the relationship, the more the grief. Therefore, for a spouse or a parent, the death of a loved one is more painful than a distant third cousin, for example. The death of a close friend is worse than that of a cousin you have never seen because the depth of the relationship is different.

Second is the degree of separation. Any temporary or short separation is not as grievous as a long or permanent separation. I go back to India about once every two years, and when I leave, I say goodbye to my extended family for two years. That is more of a separation than when I go to work in the morning and come back home to my kids. Death is considered to be a long-term, possibly permanent separation. Hence, the grief is substantially greater.

Third is the uncertainty of the future. It is this uncertainty that causes a toddler to cry uncontrollably when his mother leaves him to go to the store for an hour. It is a deep relationship, and the separation is only temporary. However, the uncertainty of the future in the kid's mind causes him to grieve. In death, the uncertainty of the afterlife contributes to the sadness.

The most grievous kind of death, therefore, will be that of a close family or friend where the future is uncertain. There is a deep relationship, there is permanence in separation, and there is uncertainty.

The Hope in Death

Which worldview, if any, gives certainty in death?

In Atheism and Buddhism, there is no life after death. When somebody dies, when a close family member dies, that is the end. When death can happen anytime to anybody under almost any circumstance, in this worldview, what is the hope when someone you love dies?

In Hinduism, there is the concept of life after death, but the exact details are not certain. The impersonal law of karma dictates what happens to anybody after they die. There is also the concept of reincarnation, in which a person can come back as a person or a thing until their karmic good outweighs their karmic bad. In this worldview, though there is the concept of life after death, is there any certainty that you will see your parents or children again after death?

In the Islamic worldview, there is the concept of the afterlife. After a transitional period (Barzakh), all souls are resurrected on the Day of Judgment. Then, based on one's adherence to the five pillars of Islam and the will of Allah, Allah will decide whether a person goes to heaven or hell. There is, however, no certainty that anyone has done enough to go to heaven. Therefore, there is also no certainty that your loved one will also be in heaven. (See here for a Sermon on Hope).

The Christian worldview gives both the origin of death and a plan for the afterlife.

The Bible says that sin entered the world at a certain point in time, and as a consequence, death entered into the world. Sin and death were not part of the original plan for creation. But Jesus has promised to come back to take his children to the glorious afterlife. "If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also" (John 14:3).

What is the basis of the promise of heaven? It is the resurrection of Christ. If Jesus' resurrection happened, then the afterlife for believers will certainly happen.

All the promises in the Bible are based on relationships. The relationship between Jesus and me is the cause of the blessed afterlife. Part of the joy in heaven is the fulfillment of relationships, both with God and with loved ones.

Transition and Separation

In the context of the afterlife, which is an eternity, the present life is simply a dot. Death is merely the transition to the afterlife. It is a transition for the person and a separation for the people left behind. I imagine the present life, death, and the afterlife, like the birth of twins.

One twin is born first, and moments later, the second twin is born. There is a very brief separation. The twin left behind could theoretically go into grief because there was a deep relationship for nine months that is now no more. But the nine months and the time of separation pales in comparison to the life afterward. Life afterward is much more meaningful and has a much fuller relationship than life together for nine months. So also in death. We are together with people for 1 to 90 years, and it seems like a long time. When one person dies, the duration of separation can seem like a long time. But in the context of an eternal afterlife, both earthly life and the period of separation are simply flashes of moments.

Death is simply a very brief period of separation in the wider context of time. The joy and fullness of relationships that follow will surpass the brief period of life and the even shorter period of separation. In a way, I cannot wait to get to heaven to have a fuller relationship with those I love. There, I will see and enjoy my friend again, as well as family members and others who have gone ahead. But most importantly, I will see and worship in person the Lord who died for me and whose grace brought me home.

Meanwhile, we wait for the right time, the time to be born into the afterlife.